More melancholia.

I was going to make this mostly a humorous blog with fun things, but let's face it: I'm not always a lot of fun.

I am prone to fits of melancholy, and I say things that are hurtful and mean and inconsiderate pretty much all the time. I can't really help it. I'm better than I used to be, but I still run off at the mouth and make people feel like hell. It is related to the fact that I tend to set all my hopes and plans on one thing, and when it doesn't happen it often feels as though it's the end of the world, even though it obviously isn't. I think this is a typical characteristic of people with Asperger's syndrome. The contemporary view of AS is of slightly quirky, funny people with strange habits and obsessions, but it's not only like that. AS means you are almost constantly annoyed by life. It's not cute, and those of us that have enough coping mechanisms to seem normal almost have it worse than those who don't, because our disability isn't as obvious and we just end up looking like contentious assholes.

The other part that sucks is the near-total inability to understand others' motivations and emotions. I read emotions that aren't there, and I miss obvious ones frequently. This will never change; there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I can't tell where boundaries are; I can't figure out why things are sometimes one way and sometimes another. Those of us with AS are creatures of habit. We are mostly unchanging in our feelings and ideas about things. This is why, I think, I get along better with cats than with people. Here is a list of why cats are like people with AS:

1. Like to have alone time to recharge.
2. Very choosy about being touched.
3. Get upset if routines are changed or things are moved.
4. Annoyed/startled by loud noises, sudden movement, unexpected events.
5. Eye contact is aggressive/ to be avoided.
6. Easily fascinated by spinning things and moving objects.
7. Strike out when overloaded.

I'm sure there are more, but that's what was immediately in my head.

This was supposed to be about why I'm an ass and not a giant list of excuses for my behavior. It's hard, though. I've been told all my life I'm cold, lazy, unmotivated, unresponsive, and that I'm wrong for all of these things and I don't know. Is it my fault or is it the AS? I have so much guilt, and I feel like I'm constantly having to examine everything I do in great detail to see where I've gone wrong. This is why I'm better off alone. I should just focus on the damn harpsichord and stop bothering other people, because that's really all I do unless I keep a great distance between myself and others. I deserve solitude.